Almost three years not a word written.

Writer’s block, a lack of inspiration to write – if I confessed to such rubbish, it would be nothing but excuses. The truth is that there has been nothing in my heart to trigger my thoughts.

Where there was an incessant flow of thoughts and rants to let the world know that I am alive, all that remains is a rhythm – a rhythm that exists in all things with a beating heart. I know that perhaps the thinking organ is the brain but if you really think about it without your heart backing it, you would not believe in them.

All that remains is a hollow feeling. Not one of sorrow or desperation. Definitely not! All that remains is… well nothing remains where sometime back a lot was residing.

Why? In retrospect, I think it’s mostly because of trying to please a lot of people.  Young and old alike. Since the time I can remember, it’s always been the same thing – making people happy so they appreciate and accept you. Right now it perhaps seems like I am going though some kind of life crises, but truth be told, I just want to feel alive. Alive to feel contentment, to feel humor, to smile, to laugh at a joke! I have been smiling and laughing, but it has been nothing but a change in expression that suits the particular situation, the only emotion or expression that I have been honest in is to cry. Though now it seems even my tears have deserted me. The reason for my condition, for my tears, for my lack of feeling alive, I leave in the depths of my conscience. To dwell in them is futile. All I know is that I have been time and again bent to someone’s will, but I will not break. No, I shan’t break for then I shall feel like the failure that some people have always said I am.

I don’t wish for calm, for calm can sometimes be so disturbing in itself. I wish for chaos. I wish for the tiny flutterings in my heart that like a flame resided. A flame that gave me hope, joy and satisfaction for being what I am. A wild pleasure, a sunny warmth that has always been inside of me. I am going to get it back. If that means that I will have to disown those that have such insolent contempt for me, so be it. I shall not feel the cold when I have felt what it is to be warm. I shall starve no more at the cost of my own wellbeing.

Maybe all this makes absolutely no sense to you, but just know that I can. And after ages, writing has brought back a flicker of something that once used to be.

 

Holiday Home work

Some people, very few in fact have an actual glimpse of things ‘past’. The others just get to look at aging ancestors, old photographs on Facebook or Geni, or maybe read about it. Recently a young and small reader of our reading group was introduced to RK Narayan. And a few minutes later, he wanted to know what a piece of time would look like ­— ‘a timepiece was on Rajam’s desk’ the book told him. The group then began discussing about things old and maybe ancient.

The timepiece or clock as we know it, an isthri karan (iron-man Literally) with his huge push cart and  red-hot coals, some times his reserve of coals would be like a treasure ( the coals would be used to decorate anything from walls to animals) and many other things,

If you are mallu who visited mother land when young, you would have had your share of cuticura and coconut oil smelling memories of relatives and just the oil smelling mouth-watering edibles out of their kitchens. My experiences with the way of life my ancestors has were half and half —memorable and torturous. Climbing trees, rolling in the mud, giving the dogs an oil bath, watching the women folk buy fish and clean them and then play with the cats that came to feast on the remains, mango search-rescue and hog operations, jackfruit fiascos, and towards the evening when you were famished there would snack time and then a flower picking sessions for the deities in the house and all the cuticura and coconut oil loving I got are so memorable to this day :). Sometimes you just aren’t supposed to be doing any of this, like climbing trees of rolling in the mud or playing with strays, not if you are a girl and especially more if you are the lone grandchild for a good period of time.

Visiting an extremely religious, communist, socialist and severely conservative family community was so confusing that even today I’d rather not be in a room filled with relatives – the war of the words on would break out any moment. There in the corner of the room I would sit, tired from lunch, unable to move with the huge meal in my belly. Lunch would mostly be fish curry, fish fry and the big grained rice, and summer specials – mampazhapulliseri, or chakkakuru varutadu :) basically something with mango or jackfruit and I’d be happy :) All the women would make sure they have a chance to serve you. And there were a minimum of 7 of them to my recollection. Ever wondered why motherland is called god’s own country, it’s mostly because people are lazy, or maybe people of my large family are and I wouldn’t blame them after all the food and the oil baths. After lunch it would be time for the men to take the noon nap and the women to take on the gossip and I would just lay there like a piece of furniture unable to move.

After nap time it would be war-time. When the war breaks out, some of the women would be busy in the kitchen to bring out the tea and the snacks. The heavy smell of coconut oil would overload my senses. Wishing the elders would keep it down I would wait to know what it was that was cooking. With my stomach just about to burst from lunch even at 4 in the evening, a big tight hug from my grand-aunt would be enough to create room in the tummy for whatever it was that was being made in the kitchen. And the wait… was it jackfruit or banana being fried, or maybe it was something else; such tortuous ordeals daily were too much for a child.

And staying out of trouble wasn’t too much trouble. As long you had your hair long (till your shoulders was good) and visited temples often during your stay and stayed away from everything not of equal social/religious standing was good enough to get you your daily dose of the loving from the classic cuticura beauties and their lip smacking preparations.

I wonder what it would be for my youngest cousin when he grows up – will he ever have any anecdotes from his trips to mallu-land or will his vacation packages every year keep him happy while we older cousins have a total recall gig? Maybe we will just gift him some cuticura and prepare some banana chips once a while for him to sense motherland.

Sometimes we do realize that even if when we were in school, the system couldn’t influence us let alone educate us it does have a long-lasting effect afterward. The system of education in my country has finally begun to make me feel pitiful of myself.

Recent changes in the system of education have honestly traumatized me more than when I was 15. An average 15-year-old doesn’t know the basics of civics or what exactly a republic or a federal government means. It really doesn’t matter as long as the 26th of January falls bang on in the middle of the week and is a government holiday.  It is the plight of several kids in our city’s private schools.  Some of us may know of some kids who aren’t as such but mostly they seldom are.

As marks give way to grades , schools have started giving out ‘Assignments’ and the poor 15-year-old traumatized brain seeks help. With no help available readily at home, they bang on their neighbor’s door – mine. “Akka math assignment, lets do it” or sometimes its just “I have a match, can you do it and keep it ready. I will pick it up when I am back” For the amount of school work I have done this year alone, I would have been school topper year after year had I spent as much time while I was in school. Anyway, all the benevolence aside, the kids taught me that the keyword was money. So the assignments get done and also get taught to the kid. And in turn the kid goes back to class and helps the other less privileged peers. And for a fee. You can get a project done for as less as Rs. 20, answer sheet copies for 50 minimum depending on the subject and importance of the test. Sometimes it’s not cash, its tickets, or psps, or pirated cds, assorted things. Whatever people had in mind while devising this system this was definitely not one of them. May be we are making a generation that is street-smart and capable of business better than ourselves.

It has been a really long time I decided to write anytime; and even longer since I thought of anything actually worth writing about. Actually it’s been a long time since I did a lot of the usual things, but some how life seems to be a lot nicer without the usual trivialities.

The usual networks have helped me stay in touch with or in some cases stay aware of the happenings with some of the junta. But then I do realize I do not care much about most of the online social networks, or for that matter any socializing. Each day as I log on, being bombarded with so many feeds/updates about what most people are doing, Farmville or just the usual status agonies. Somehow my life didn’t seem to be eventful relatively; the grass is definitely greener on the other side. That’s why the I-don’t-really-care came into being.

Anyway, no more nonsense. Why have I not been writing much, like I said nothing to write about. Writers block some say with a “?” and I just flash my widest grin. Honestly its just laziness. Some one calls for a movie, I have butterflies in my stomach… just the thought of having to get my ass off the chair and going out in the sun is such so agonizing. I could instead watch it online, comfortably. Lazy is one thing I have definitely become over the past few months.

As for the other updates for the long periods of absentia, there is nothing much really to report. I do have learnt a lot more about some good old fashioned stuff, like painting and crocheting. Primarily they are great way to unwind, and now the stress busters have taken the form of coasters or framed stuff hanging off walls.

Oh and yes there have been some dramatic shifts in personality as well. A complete revamp of social skills. I have been in touch with the usual suspects but beyond that, old friends/ex-colleagues/classmates et al, I have hardly been able to write a line to them. I do wish I could back in time and catch up with Johnny, sail, ujji, anusha, lachu, usha, vignesh, cheenu, sasi, sunitha, k, heena and murad – who of course is missing from the scene. Honestly this is a sincere apology for not keeping in touch with you guys. And if you have blogged I have read (is the only consolation I can make for myself)

As for this New Year, there were never resolutions or anything. But this year I may just have some. Hopefully I shall give up on pizza and some of the other vices. Then there is another one… I do want to start writing… here and hopefully some letters as well. I recently realized that I can’t write continuously for a prolonged period… Some practice would get the habit back. So yes good old fashioned letters.

Well, as for you guys, wish you a year filled happiness and pleasant happenings. :-)

Oh and I will try and get back here as much as possible.

I don’t know how many fathom deep I’m in love with you,

but every time I hear your voice,

everytime I see your smile,

each time I feel your touch,

and everytime I look into your eyes,

I fall in love all over again.

There are alot of things we dont say,

but a smile, a wink, a twitch, a look,

convey a thousand words that drive  me crazy in love.

There may be a thousand women who can love you more than I ,

but there is only one man who loves me so – You!

Your love makes my world go around,

your love makes me want to live life everyday

only to fall in love with you all over again.

one more..

There has always been something written about the topic of death on this blog. Death itself is very depressing, even more so when there is a loss that cannot be comprehended by my meagre existence.

The last few weeks have been very saddening. There has been much written about the death of MJ, but then there is also Lohithadas and now DKP.

These are people I grew up with in my life. I remember the first time I watched color television, I watched MJ, he was the only thing that was ever on then on tv. And the mallu movies, can anyone really forget movies like His highness or kamaladalam or bharatham. and DKP.. MLV and MSS all gone. Leaving behind only their memories and their awesome work .

For the first time in months,I feel words failing me, choking on my own emotions that I cannot understand. Like a part of me taken away from me forever.

I am not someone who would cry or laugh or emote easily,

but you taught me how easy it was.

You helped me make sense of happiness better

and you pulled me away from the trivially deep chasms of human existence.

now that you are gone, I shall not miss you, for I know you are in a better place.

A better place, made better only by your presence.

Now that you are gone, I shall not miss you, but your work.

Work that you tried would make this a better place.

Work that perhaps can never be compared to.

wishes remain unfulfilled, but hopes remain as they were.

Hopes of waking up from this horrible dream.

Hopes of your legacy living on.

my words fail me now.

tagged.. again.

1. Last beverage? Coffee
2. Last phone call? Dhiraj
3. Last text message? Google Calendar
4. Last song you listened to?
5. Last time you cried? some 2 days back..
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? no
7. Been cheated on? Never!
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Not yet!
9. Lost someone special?? Yes
10. Been depressed?? Often!
11. Been drunk? Never
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Black
13. Red
14. Green
THIS PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends ? No
16. Fallen out of lov – no
17. Laughed until you cried – last week
18. Met someone who changed you? Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were? Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you? Yes
21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list? No
TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have? None
24. Do you have any pets? Had one.
25. Do you want to change your name? No.
26. What did you do for your last birthday? Nothing really.
27. What time did you wake up today? 10AM
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Reading.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for? The Europe trip..
30. Last time you saw your father? Some minutes ago..
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? A cliché.. Nothing..
32. What are you listening to right now? something on TV
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yes
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? Bad stuff.. very bad.
36. Whats your real name? Jayasree Bhargavan
37. Relationship Status? Single
38. Zodiac sign:Scorpio
39. Male or female- Female
40. Elementary School? National Public School
41. Middle School?  National Public School
42. High school ?  National Public School
43. Hair color? Dark Brown/black
44. Long or short?Long
45. Height ? 165
46. Do you have a crush on someone?No.
47. What do you like about yourself? alot of things. i am self obssessed.
48. Piercings → Ears,
49. Tattoos → None
50. Righty or lefty → Right-handed
FIRSTS :
51. First kiss→ lol.. i dont kiss and tell.
52. First piercing →my ears
53. First tattoo→
54. First best friend → is roaming the seas in some  part of the world. the other one is working his ass off.
55. First sport you joined → Badminton
56. First pet → Bruno.
57. First vacation→ i dont remember
58. First love →family.
59. First crush→ a school mate.
60. First alcohol drink  cant recollect.
RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → nothing
62. Drinking → Nothing
63. I’m about to → watch TV and lunch
64. Listening to → no songs
65. Waiting for → nothing at all
YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? no
67. Want to get married?maybe.. or maybe not.
68. Careers in mind? lots of options.. multitasking it shall be.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE SEX OF YOUR CHOOSING?
69. Lips or eyes → Eyes
70. Hugs or kisses → Both
71. Shorter or taller → Taller
72. Older or Younger → Older
73. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
74. Nice stomach or nice arms–> Arms
75. Tattoos or piercings— Neither
76. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive,
77. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Trouble-maker, thats always more fun
HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger → Naa
80. Drank hard liquor →no
81. Lost glasses/contacts – no
82. Sex on first date – No
83. Broken someone’s heart →Apparently
84. Had your own heart broken → no
85. Been arrested? Na
86. Turned someone down → yeah
87. Cried when someone died → Yup
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → O yeah!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Always
90. Miracles → Always
91. Love at first sight → I so totally do!
92. Heaven → yes
93. Santa Claus → No
94. Kissing on the first date? → depends really
95. Angels – yeah
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now?  yes!
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Never
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? yes!
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? my family. my books.
100. Who’s the most awesome kid ever? it would have to be me.
1. Last beverage? Coffee
2. Last phone call? Dhiraj
3. Last text message? Google Calendar
4. Last song you listened to? the way u make me feel.
5. Last time you cried? last nite…
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? no
7. Been cheated on? Never!
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? yes!
9. Lost someone special?? Yes
10. Been depressed?? it would have to be the one constant thing in my life.
11. Been drunk? Never
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Black
13. Red
14. Green
THIS PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends ? No
16. Fallen out of love – no
17. Laughed until you cried – last week
18. Met someone who changed you? Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were? Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you? Yes
21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list? No
TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have?  if it were upto me, None.. ould depend on the partner i think
24. Do you have any pets? Had one.
25. Do you want to change your name? No.
26. What did you do for your last birthday? Nothing really.
27. What time did you wake up today? 10AM
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? Reading.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for? Peace
30. Last time you saw your father? Some minutes ago..
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Nothing.. or maybe everything.
32. What are you listening to right now? something on TV
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yes
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? Bad stuff.. very bad.
36. Whats your real name? Jayasree Bhargavan
37. Relationship Status? Single
38. Zodiac sign:Scorpio
39. Male or female- Female
40. Elementary School? National Public School
41. Middle School?  National Public School
42. High school ?  National Public School
43. Hair color? Dark Brown/black
44. Long or short?Long
45. Height ? 165
46. Do you have a crush on someone?No.
47. What do you like about yourself? alot of things. i am self obssessed.
48. Piercings → Ears,
49. Tattoos → None
50. Righty or lefty → Right-handed
FIRSTS :
51. First kiss→ lol.. i dont kiss and tell.
52. First piercing →my ears
53. First tattoo→
54. First best friend → is roaming the seas in some  part of the world. the other one is working his ass off.
55. First sport you joined → Badminton
56. First pet → Bruno.
57. First vacation→ i dont remember
58. First love →family.
59. First crush→ a school mate.
60. First alcohol drink  -cant recollect.
RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → nothing
62. Drinking → Nothing
63. I’m about to → watch TV and have lunch
64. Listening to → no songs
65. Waiting for → nothing at all
YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? no
67. Want to get married?maybe.. or maybe not.
68. Careers in mind? lots of options.. multitasking it shall be.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE SEX OF YOUR CHOOSING?
69. Lips or eyes → Eyes
70. Hugs or kisses → Both
71. Shorter or taller → Taller
72. Older or Younger → Older
73. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
74. Nice stomach or nice arms–> Arms
75. Tattoos or piercings— Neither
76. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive,
77. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Trouble-maker, thats always more fun
HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger → No
80. Drank hard liquor →no
81. Lost glasses/contacts – no
82. Sex on first date – No
83. Broken someone’s heart →yes
84. Had your own heart broken → no
85. Been arrested? No
86. Turned someone down → yes
87. Cried when someone died → Yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → no
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → yes
90. Miracles → yes
91. Love at first sight → yes
92. Heaven → yes
93. Santa Claus → No
94. Kissing on the first date? → no
95. Angels – yes
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now?  yes!
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? no
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? yes!
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? my family. my books.
100. Who’s the most awesome kid ever? it would have to be me.