Almost three years not a word written.
Writer’s block, a lack of inspiration to write – if I confessed to such rubbish, it would be nothing but excuses. The truth is that there has been nothing in my heart to trigger my thoughts.
Where there was an incessant flow of thoughts and rants to let the world know that I am alive, all that remains is a rhythm – a rhythm that exists in all things with a beating heart. I know that perhaps the thinking organ is the brain but if you really think about it without your heart backing it, you would not believe in them.
All that remains is a hollow feeling. Not one of sorrow or desperation. Definitely not! All that remains is… well nothing remains where sometime back a lot was residing.
Why? In retrospect, I think it’s mostly because of trying to please a lot of people. Young and old alike. Since the time I can remember, it’s always been the same thing – making people happy so they appreciate and accept you. Right now it perhaps seems like I am going though some kind of life crises, but truth be told, I just want to feel alive. Alive to feel contentment, to feel humor, to smile, to laugh at a joke! I have been smiling and laughing, but it has been nothing but a change in expression that suits the particular situation, the only emotion or expression that I have been honest in is to cry. Though now it seems even my tears have deserted me. The reason for my condition, for my tears, for my lack of feeling alive, I leave in the depths of my conscience. To dwell in them is futile. All I know is that I have been time and again bent to someone’s will, but I will not break. No, I shan’t break for then I shall feel like the failure that some people have always said I am.
I don’t wish for calm, for calm can sometimes be so disturbing in itself. I wish for chaos. I wish for the tiny flutterings in my heart that like a flame resided. A flame that gave me hope, joy and satisfaction for being what I am. A wild pleasure, a sunny warmth that has always been inside of me. I am going to get it back. If that means that I will have to disown those that have such insolent contempt for me, so be it. I shall not feel the cold when I have felt what it is to be warm. I shall starve no more at the cost of my own wellbeing.
Maybe all this makes absolutely no sense to you, but just know that I can. And after ages, writing has brought back a flicker of something that once used to be.