What if I really don’t want to live?

Chronicling every time that the mind changes its track is not a good reason to write. For some it is all about happiness and for others it is just the opposite.

The feeling of happiness or sadness depends on perspective. For some life is always sad, the happy moments are just when sadness is on a low.

No one incident can give you a happiness that lasts for life nor can any relationship. It is relationships and incidents that are caused due to these incidents that lead to all that is sad or happy.

How about ending all that is sad and happy and living a nonchalant life. A nonchalant-life — an oxymoron in itself. Putting an end to happiness or sorrow in ones life is putting an end to ones life itself.

And that is when I decided to do it. But I have no clue of how to. May be I will kiss every one goodbye for the very last time and walk out through the door never to return. Or maybe I will sit them down and ask them how should I plan my death, what would make things easy for them? Would that be the same as making things easy for me?

Ending ones life is what most people call as an act of cowardice. Why? Is it because they care enough of themselves to not let anything/anyone else, be it cancer or a drunk driver, decide their fate? Or is it because they realise that the world is after all not their cup of tea and they are meant for better things? For me it is just to relieve myself of the never ending melodrama called life. I don’t recall not being given a chance to decide if I want to live the drama or not, but the decision is taken.

 

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19 thoughts on “What if I really don’t want to live?

  1. I’m in a grief support group right now, and I think it was in one of the videos where someone said that contemplation of suicide rarely is a pure desire to no longer live. Rather it is a desire to not live life the way it presently is. Hopefully that’s not cheesy or guru-ish, but conveys the wisdom of examining the sublte difference between the two.

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  2. Profound/Abstract…

    IMO, when the feeling of being “more dead than alive” creeps in, blokes tend to jump to the dominant side….not that I approve it …..cuz u choose and decide which is the dominant side…perspective as u said, is the trump card.

    Wonder what drove u to write this post…almost went over my head

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  3. I agree with you,theonefish; in most cases it is an attempt to getaway form reality; and as you rightly say, wisdom lies in examining the subtle difference between the two.

    Vicky… The only thing that prompted me to write this was the word perspective! lol!!! guess it means much more than it was conceived for.

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  4. hi,
    while i appreciate your view on life, well I want to assure you that life is not a melodrama, its a gift of God, with a purpose, unless you know the purpose God has for your life, you lack the right perspective towards life.

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  5. hmmm Perspective…. was just talking about the same word to Anusha at work today… but she was at ease to say ” it is all Maya”… but it is more the internal conflict in which we are ‘living’ in …so the very definition of life is a perspective
    Don’t know why you brought this up …is it anything to with your ‘love’ getting ready for the marital vows??

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  6. Vijay, I would love to know if you realised what ur purpose in life is, if u did, then good for you. But the right perspective on life, well its questionabe again isnt it? like this post seems to be in the right perspective, but have a completely different view on it. its upto the individual in the end, for we are the ‘intelligent species’

    Oh Max, if i sound too inebriated, its cos i am drunk on life and literature. it is a lethal combination!

    Cheenu, i agree with u on the comment. and as for that last line.. by love who/what/which are u referring to? And i prefer to restrict using the word marital to marital woes 😛

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  7. Jay!
    Did we determine whether we wanted to be born here or not? No right ?
    Our end should not be determined by us. We shud just go on with life … experimenting with every turn … and seeing and discovering what we are really good at .. and what we really love doing .. that is life .. not a mad dash to the finish line!

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  8. Teal, wel whats lef to say!

    Cheenu, My love… isnt exactly gettin there. My version is that she is eloping with someone and taking her parents to be witness and sign wherever needed. The truth is, she was missing me too much and i didnt want her to be miserable.

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  9. You struck the right cord with the thoughts I’ve been thinking about for over a year now; you’ve given words to the expression. Thanks.

    The ‘melodrama of life’ – a neat little crisp phrase to describe something we personally live for 50 odd years.

    Perspective – true that’s one way to look at it. For a person staring from across the line it might seem stupid, an act of cowardice etc; but never what one feels being on this side of the line. When I think about ending this life, I wonder what if the 7 birth funda was true? Am I ending it to land back in the loop? An alternative to end the melodrama may be in living an ascetic life; may be it would open up the doors of wisdom; the doors to moksha, may be so. But who said that was easy too.

    At this moment I am both happy and sad thinking about you. Happy because your words carry the weight of a mysterious and sad yet beautiful truth; sad because I am reading this post on your birthday when I expected something that the other side of J personifies – Life 🙂

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  10. I stumbled upon this post from somewhere so let me add few more words in to this internal chaos ( that I think shouldn’t have been articulated in a public blog in the first place) before disappearing through the door never to return. There is barely an insight here except yet another chapter to add to Melodrama of life, the urge to communicate a strong private feeling and may be garner some accolades on eloquence (although disoriented) of the thought. Excuse me but I do not mean to insult the author of the post .I only disagree with its profound shallowness. At one hand, the argument is against melodrama of life while on the other hand, the mere act of writing about is yet another episode to add to melodrama as I mentioned earlier. I personally do not see suicide as an act of cowardice. It is brave thing to do if one is up to it. But bitching about life? You must be a teen or lingering around those years of confusion and useless angst. Get used to existence and talk about something fun. These feelings need not be written in a blog. If the sole intent of the post is wordplay, how about writing them in a private journal and use in a book later ( if that is something you plan on doing).

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  11. Good God!

    thanks for all the comments. there is nothing more than words to this post. It is just like any other topic that all humans think about. nothing more and nothing less.

    On the other hand, posts of late have been about longing, wanting and all that. Time i took some serious time to introspect!

    Happy Holidays!

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  12. @vijay truoly claimed by you, life is a gift of God and nobody has the right to destroy it. Its true often life does give us painful moments but it is an indication that happy times are not far away. Believe, me I have experienced this many-a-times in my life. Hope you have a great life ahead.

    Feel free to visit my blog and share your opion.
    Thank you.

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